Only traumatized people are kinky

The absurdity of generalizations and the outdated myth that "being kinky" is a trauma response

It started when someone with a following, clearly uninformed but confidently declared:

"People only enjoy spanking, choking, and name-calling because they are traumatized."

This was followed by a general rebuttal in the comment section:

"Who isn’t traumatized?"

Ah. A logical conclusion dangled before us, deliciously absurd.

Because if only traumatized people are kinky, and everyone is traumatized, then—by the sacred laws of syllogism—everyone must be kinky!

The kindergarten teacher, the dentist, your grandmother. Sorry-not-sorry: all kinky.

The problem is, people love to make sweeping generalizations about things they don’t understand. And few things get more misunderstood than BDSM.

When people see spanking, they assume childhood trauma.

When they see choking, they assume damage.

When they hear someone moaning “yes, Daddy,” they assume unresolved father issues.

But what if—and bear with me here—kink isn’t always about healing wounds? What if some people just… like it?

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Breaking down the logic

The argument at its core is a classic syllogism, a form of reasoning where a conclusion is drawn from two premises:

Premise 1: Only traumatized people engage in kink.

Premise 2: Everyone is traumatized.

Conclusion: Therefore, everyone is kinky.

The first premise sets a conditional rule—“If kinky, then traumatized”—but it does not imply the reverse. Just because trauma is a necessary condition in this argument doesn’t mean it’s a sufficient one. This is a logical fallacy known as affirming the consequent.

Plus, if kink is only for the traumatized and we’re all traumatized, then kinkiness is not an outlier but a norm. (Where’s the fun in that?)

Ironically, this line of reasoning does the opposite of what the original claim intended—it normalizes kink rather than pathologizes it.

But are we all traumatized?

Existential philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir argued that life itself is a bit of a trauma. We are thrown into a world full of suffering, choice, and mortality. Under this lens, if trauma is simply the price of living, then sure, we might all be traumatized.

But what do we do with this trauma?

Not everyone channels it into spanking and name-calling. Some write poetry, others run marathons.

What’s really going on?

There’s this idea that if you’re using BDSM to heal from trauma, you must eventually need to “recover” from BDSM too—like the coping mechanism is just another problem.

Behind this argument is a deeper discomfort with kink.

When we reduce kink to trauma response, we oversimplify both the spectrum of human sexuality and the experience of trauma. Yes, for some, kink can be a way to process or reclaim traumatic experiences. For others, it’s simply about pleasure, play, or exploration—no backstory required.

Argument #1: Kink is common—too common to be pathological

Let’s get some numbers out of the way:

• A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 65% of people have fantasized about being dominated.

• 47% have imagined dominating someone else.

• 20% of adults have actually engaged in BDSM.

That’s a significant number population looking at a spanking paddle and thinking, “hmm…you know what, maybe.”

Argument #2: Kinky people are (generally) not more traumatized

A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine looked at the psychological profiles of BDSM practitioners. It found they were:

• More extroverted

• More conscientious

• More open to experience

• Less neurotic

• Less sensitive to rejection

So, if trauma causes kink, then why are BDSM practitioners scoring better on measures of mental health?

And if kink is working to improve their lives, who cares? It’s like claiming that only deeply traumatized people drink oat milk, only to discover that oat-milk drinkers have glowing skin and excellent cholesterol.

Argument #3: Kink has many motivations, and trauma is just one of them

Nuance has entered the chat.

Yes, some people use BDSM to process trauma. And that’s valid. But others do it for entirely different reasons:

• Thrill-seeking: Some people jump out of planes. Some people get spanked. Neither requires a traumatic backstory.

• Deepening trust: Studies show that BDSM increases intimacy and emotional bonding between partners. (If you think choking is terrifying, try being emotionally vulnerable amIright?.)

• Escapism: Life is exhausting. Sometimes, it’s fun to stop making decisions and just say yes, sir.

• Pure pleasure: Some people like pineapple on pizza. Some people like pain with their orgasms. Personally, I think pineapple on pizza is the real problem here.

So, where did this “Trauma = Kink” equation come from?

It has been around for centuries.

Michel Foucault, in The History of Sexuality, argued that categorizing sexual behaviours as “normal” or “deviant” is a method of social control. The idea that kink must be a symptom of trauma is not just a misunderstanding of human sexuality but a tool for keeping certain expressions of pleasure in the shadows.

He argued that our culture loves to label anything outside the mainstream as wrong. And if it’s wrong, it must be the result of damage.

A better conclusion for these modern times

Instead of arriving at a world where everyone is kinky, perhaps a more grounded conclusion is this:

• Trauma is a near-universal human experience.

• Kink is one of many ways humans express themselves.

• The reasons behind our desires are complex, and not everything has to make logical sense to outsiders.

Kink isn’t a disorder, nor is it exclusively the result of trauma. The next time someone tries to shove all of human sexuality into a single sentence, remember:

If logic can turn “only traumatized people are kinky” into “everyone is kinky” with the simple question of “who hasn’t experienced trauma?” maybe it’s time to retire that argument altogether.

And hey — Sasha Cobra, the next time you get asked about kink and trauma, it’s OK to say you don’t know the answer rather than perpetuating shame. Some of us are just trying to get spanked in peace.

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References:

• Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2015). What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy? Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(2), 328-340.

• Richters, J., De Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. M. (2008). Demographic and Psychosocial Features of Participants in Bondage and Discipline, "Sadomasochism" or Dominance and Submission (BDSM): Data from a National Survey. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1660-1668.

• Wismeijer, A. A., & van Assen, M. A. (2013). Psychological Characteristics of BDSM Practitioners. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943-1952.

• Sagarin, B. J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., Lawler-Sagarin, K. A., & Matuszewich, L. (2009). Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual BDSM. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38(2), 186-200.

• Hébert, A., & Weaver, A. D. (2014). An Examination of Personality Characteristics Associated with BDSM Orientations. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 23(2), 106-115.

• Williams, D. J., Thomas, J. N., Prior, E. E., & Christensen, M. C. (2014). From "Sadomasochism" to "Sexual Diversity": The Mainstreaming of BDSM. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 1(1), 56-62.

• Sagarin, B. J., Cutler, B., & Cutler, N. (2008). Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual BDSM. International Journal of Sexual Health, 20(1-2), 39-53.